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12 August 2009 @ 01:42 am

Sometimes iwish more than anything that could have my old journal back. the one from when i was in grade nine and was depressed.
the origional dead blog sits, blackenedxangel. i returned to it  years later, last entry 2006. i quit it in 2003, grade 11, when i felt that people could find thinks out about me ....that they didnt need to know. one haunting entry remains:

I've come back to you, my little heroin. maybe things will be different this time


i found justxaxgirl 86.

all thta remains of her is this entry and and intro .....this one was started in august 2006, when i started to think about leaving paul and getting my life together.
So ive been debating if i should start this up again and i decided, why not? i may not update it that often. I just so happen to be a bit of a paranoid person and only worry occasionally about the content.
o well.

So the thing that has been on my mind of late is wether or not i shoud give the few things that i used to be into- that is modeling and fashion design, another chance. i looked around my room and realized that i hadn't sewn anythign in months and that the old agency still had all of my shots- some which i had paid for. I sent amy an email that has yet to be returned and may send on to john casablancas.......if its worth it. im going to go and parade myself about again and hope that there is soem little chance out there that someone will care and give me a job.:D
plans for the spring time are abit abstract, things keep being said about "going to europe" by a few people but if it will actually happen i dont really know.
i also think that i will start sewing again in a bad way, both for myself, and later for this consignment shop downtown. its not a bad place you get 55% of what your price is, so you dont make THAT much, but its still some income and a place to showcase your stuff.
i shall go scrounge up something to eat....

Subsiquently i did do these things,
i left paul, i went to europe, i got into fashion school. my clothing is not yet in any form of a store yet though....

stripped letters was the most recent incarnation......
just weeks ago.

For wanting to write again.
for not being able to let go.
for nothing but hearing myself speak.

Each time i contemplate commign back here its as though it may be for a purpose, a project and reason. ....today its for nothing other than to write everything out in one large and convoluted rmble so that i can later look back on it,  disect it and deam myself immature, and various shades of sane.

which storey would you like first?
the one thats botherign me currently. ahh ic. not the most pressing but at least the most current.

righ now i can feel my heart beeting in my chest, (and stomach), in that icky nervous manner, in the "ive done soemthing wrong" / "i feel that something is wrong" sence.

if you love someone, should you be able to think the way i do?
possibly i think too much.
occasionally it is as though my thinking stops me from....other things.

so quick back recap:
been with boyfriends 2 years.
have travelled together. love each other.
lived thought various situations together.
i want to move.
i want to live with him.
(part of me wants to live alone.....but thats another storey)
-living togther is cheaper. recession sucks. sharing is good.
-sharing of costs, food etc.
-comfort, as we can live together (as we did while travelling 3 months together)
-we actually like each other's company
-sex is good
-we drive one another (goal wise)
-we are reasonalble people

-will we become bored
-will we bicker
-my trust is never high in anyone or thing
-he is not excited.

now the largest part that bother me is his lack of excitement.
most people are happy, elated, excited, exuberant....(any more e words?)
but he is complacent.
he is neither for or against it
he makes no plans.
he does not speak of it
there are no dates.,

now. he is not able to move, lets say today, because his parents are paying for his schooling.
i get that (not really. kind of. not really. my family is poor. i pay my mother. rent. back-rent. from the womb)
so he is "not supposed to move until hes graded university.
which is less than 6 months away.
if you have a date on ur grad.
then why not on your move?
most people move before they grad?
its just the lack of.....anything.

i feel like an example out of the "he's just not that into you-bible for socially handicapped morons of the e-decade"....(my decade......)
erm. ahem.

on a sidenote.
i also feel like a duller version of me.
i dont like being grey anymore.
i want to be red and Black.

Dirty laundry it is

While falling into a fit of sweaty- panic induced sleep last night, i asked myself....why am i asking this?
why am i speaking into the echelons of livejournals knatterign abyss and 2 am on a thursday (well, friday) evening, propelled by only two vodka martinis?


plain and simple im not sure what this little ditty will help me attain, other than to be able to gripe to someone other than my friends who are either happily single or happily involved/engaged/married. (did i mention im only twenty two? i know over 5 married couples. i went to a wedding of a 24 year old and a 19 year old last weekend. LAST WEEKEND. that story being a story unto itself for another day entirely....)

iss it 1955? is the recession driving people to act like its WW1? have babies? (completely unrelated to married storey, i know 3 times as many people with babies...(devils)...some are on their second child already WTF.)
i feel like im havin a quarter life crisis.
the problem is. i dont want those things.
i dont want to be married.
i dont want babies (never!).
but i do want more direction, more support.
more money.
more sex.
more adventure.

or some thing?

i am on university holidays and have done nothing towards my career or said feild. it tortures me but i still dont do anything.

i love my boyfriend, but don't know what to make of him.

the recession is in some ways real and our generation's odd allknowing awareness of it in juxtaposition to our luxury thirsty upbringing (in the western world) creates a social....awkardness. (i want a house, i want more money. there is little to find)

my family life is in shambles (but thats not knew, it has never not been in shambles....)

Now, dont get me wrong. i have various great things about my life. but i feel as though i am covered with a blanket of anxiousness, awkardness and unfulfillment.

what am i here to do other than complain and tell my story?


Remember when you did something stupid?

Remember back in the days of livejournal.? way back. i used to be here over 6 years ago. emo you could say.

well. i thought about searching people, and found my boyfriends x, (who is not one of his best friends). journal .
to add or not to add.
that is the question.

pandora's box.?


Shall i update then?

i didnot open that box becuase i feel although if it where out in the open i would opwn siad box, i will not bring her into the role as an active person by havign to invite myself to her page. that is not something i want, and not soemthing she shoudl have to decide on. i wish it were out and about but w/e.

after odd thoughts for the past bit, punctuated by my taking sneak peaks at his text messages on his phone, i decided to complain in some sence and form, (although the discussion was brought about by a completley unrelated event do do with moving out, but to that one later...)

i brought up the messages i looked at and how they begin with him messaging her at 9am "hello lovley, good morning, wanna have lunch with me?", and hers like "i cant wait to see you, yay!" etcetc.
it wasnt like anything crude just...i dont know. I DONT KNOW. i ususally am such and ass and let guys do whatever because im usually hittin on poeple and doin the same or worse, but i just dont get it and dont want to live like this anymore. i dont know how to turn it offf.
his friend just recently cheated on his SO for just a one timer, but it was a one timer with and ex, that was fully anranged as she lives in washington. it was no drunken boo-boo or anythign like that, it was anill-drive-3hours-to-jump=your=bones-and-stay-over-for-two-days event. now, personally i love her. she knew what she was doing and did not seem to care. he did not admit thats what happened until it was over. he told me knowing full well id have to see his girlfriend again, repeatedly until they eventually broke up, which they did, like a month later. when we talked about it - he brought it up to me because i personally would not have guessed. he admitted he knew it was shitty, but said he wasnt gonna say anything unless she asked him.......
i dunno it just makes you think about who can do what to beople right?

he basically asked like i was crazy for even discussing it.

sigh, im too sleeply to continue tonight.....


25 October 2007 @ 12:36 am
 so life has been life, up and down like a merry go round, or so they say.

im starting to think that i need to post in here more often, and not just when im freaking out.
new goal: once a week post so that i dont look like a crazy, and when i re-read my posts i dotn slit my wrists wide open.
school is school.'i secretly wonder whatever happended. i used to get all A's and A minuses. then i got just about straight Cs when mom wasnt working and i was working 2 jobs [obviously that was nto a forseeable event, i had already paid for school and shoudl have withdrawn, but it was past the refund date and i was stubbourn].
now my average is down a bit and i really just no longer have any urge to be there, it seems trivial.
im tryign to be healthy. but i really hate my body again  always. im 128. id liek to be 122. i know to anyone who does not have or has ever had this problem it seems like bullshit. i know when i was better i used to be horrified by sentences like that. will those 6 lbs really change my life, no. i know that. but will i feel better?.....yes
at least i think  hope so.
i wouldnt wish these feelings on anyone else. i lie to them and tell them i eat whatever i want. i tell them im healthy. i tell them i dodnt count calories and make little lists of everything that goes into my body EVERY day. i dont tell them that when i eat more than three french fries i want to cry. or that when i want to eat i try and drink pop until that feeling goes away. or that i wish i didnt have the muscles im proud of, because then id weigh less. sad eh?
i also wish that i trusted my boyfriend and coudl be happy. i cant. ive been cheated on in the past and he shouldnt pay for other mens mistakes. ......but theres somethign i just cant trust in anyone. i dont know what it is.

i wish id slept with more people. 

he told me that when he goes away for 6 months i cant date man, but i can have sex with women. i havent before, but i think i might, partially because i think that him thinking that is wrong. i dont want to hurt him, i cant explain how it makes me angry that he siad that. i dont even want to sleep with other men. im not going to lie tho, i think that hes sleep with other women, the idea that i guy could go for 6 months without sex does not exist to me, unless you are in space or a cave or soemthing. seriously. maybe im just a nympho, maybe i just secretly dont trust men. both?
residing from: in bed with laptop
inside your head: crazycrazy
noise: moms shuffling feet
01 August 2007 @ 09:43 pm
lets be honest ....the only reason i write here is because i write the things that i usually will never say.
you are the little voice in the back of my head.
insecure. if i do say so myself.
im leaving for greece is about 9 days.
but what is naggling at my little voice is this:
i get cagey when things are going well.
[as i sit on my laptop, sipping vodka, rockstar and pomegranate]
i have learned recently that the girl my current boyfriend was seeing about a year ago is having relationship problems with her fiance.
the fiance she cheated on, with my boyfriend [we were obviously not together at the time, we've been together 4 about 5 months].
so she spilled her heart to him about it.
so granted, when things went wrong i ran to the guy i had dated for 2 years to talk to him about it in the past.
ahhh hypocrite again.
but. i only wonder . not that he would leave me for her, but would she offer herself to him, looking for solace/familiarity?
im more jealous than i thought i guess.
i dont blame her for going to him.
i dont blame him for listening.
nothing "wrong" has gone on.
i'd liek to think i trust him, as much as i can.
but i still feel.....iky.
19 July 2007 @ 02:07 am

after just writing out my soul and the bloody thing erased it.
probably for the best.
someone would probably read it thsat shoudlnt, as is life.
sometimes a im a tad paranoid.
lets recap.
ill admit it.
im not....secure.
one may say insecure.
the sad thing is that i liek to think of myself as easy gong and all that shit, but hey, not so muvch.
i like to think that i have life planned but another, hey not so much.
i dont even like to talk about it.
obviously i do tho because i have you, blank page, to listen .
so, hokay, this is how it all goes down...[o end of the world cartoon, how u make me laugh]
seriously tho, i think that dead like me about sums up my shamble of a life.
i dont have any relationship with my parents.
im invisible
i feel "not understood"[i kno, how emo]
i feel like im missing out on something, that the rest of the world is one step ahead and im......just a ghost.
if i could id like to figure out what im doing with myself and get things together but , sadly, life is not so easily planned. i hate the fact that i blame thnngs on others but its true, i do not have the monetary advantages of my friends or other people. i wanted to physically cry [how often does that happen?] infront of vik when he told his mom his tuition was $7500 and she gave him her credit card.
id have to literally prostitute myself for that money. to a very old rich man at that.
like fuck.
on the bright side i am trying to get out there and try new things, im finaly leaving the country soon, but that itslef has its drawbacks.
anytine vik talks about greece i kind of want to killmyself. not even greece, ut any physical activity that he has done and i have not including driving. i dont think that he does it with any negative intent , quite the opposite, he has mentioned that hes so excited he gets to be the first to show me things, but.....i want to explode anytime he talk about it. i feel abut as large as a box of weetabix. fuck that, about as large and intelligent as a fucking bran flake.
its just that i resent that i havent been offered these types of experiences before in life and they have been thrown at him lefta nd right. he has managed to take them all and i have maqnaged to stay "sheltered" wishing thast i was on the other side of the glass, not just watching the kids play outside.
i dont know why this is such a big deal to me.
but i feel fucking inadiquate, impotent, and quite moronic.
well, now neurotic, but thats between u and me.
he just has no comprehention of the fack that i grew up poor with no father or brother, and started working when i was 15.
when was i going to do anything?
like please, tell me what me and my 75 year old grandma were going to do when i was a kid [not that she was 75 then but still], she raised me while my mother worked.
im just a weasle. and i feel ignorant.
th bottom line is that i cant let anything or ANYONE hold me back anymore.
i have to dedecate myself to becoming a real person, not just this shadow.
im not happy this way.
but what should i do besides write my little whiney complaints? hmmm.
one day i may have to just. grow some balls.
end with more than just words on a page.

09 July 2007 @ 09:34 am

i told u i was trouble......
how many times will i come back to u journal.
your paper brother will never fully satisfy me .
again im in one of those horrible,
prescription waranting states..

why is it that i can nev.er let myself be happy?
i continually live a self full-filling profecy. its like being happy is too much for me to handle or sojmething.
rite now tho its bad again. i dont now how. all the old demons are crawling back. i guess that would explain why im here. im not ready to explain it yet, but they are ALL back with avengance.
the sad thing is that im with a guy now who i have so many feelings for. .....i cant bear to hurt him or allow him to see me...atmy worst.

ahh, so much for that.

i appologize.


inside your head: contemplativecontemplative