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19 July 2007 @ 02:07 am

after just writing out my soul and the bloody thing erased it.
probably for the best.
someone would probably read it thsat shoudlnt, as is life.
sometimes a im a tad paranoid.
lets recap.
ill admit it.
im not....secure.
one may say insecure.
the sad thing is that i liek to think of myself as easy gong and all that shit, but hey, not so muvch.
i like to think that i have life planned but another, hey not so much.
i dont even like to talk about it.
obviously i do tho because i have you, blank page, to listen .
so, hokay, this is how it all goes down...[o end of the world cartoon, how u make me laugh]
seriously tho, i think that dead like me about sums up my shamble of a life.
i dont have any relationship with my parents.
im invisible
i feel "not understood"[i kno, how emo]
i feel like im missing out on something, that the rest of the world is one step ahead and im......just a ghost.
if i could id like to figure out what im doing with myself and get things together but , sadly, life is not so easily planned. i hate the fact that i blame thnngs on others but its true, i do not have the monetary advantages of my friends or other people. i wanted to physically cry [how often does that happen?] infront of vik when he told his mom his tuition was $7500 and she gave him her credit card.
id have to literally prostitute myself for that money. to a very old rich man at that.
like fuck.
on the bright side i am trying to get out there and try new things, im finaly leaving the country soon, but that itslef has its drawbacks.
anytine vik talks about greece i kind of want to killmyself. not even greece, ut any physical activity that he has done and i have not including driving. i dont think that he does it with any negative intent , quite the opposite, he has mentioned that hes so excited he gets to be the first to show me things, but.....i want to explode anytime he talk about it. i feel abut as large as a box of weetabix. fuck that, about as large and intelligent as a fucking bran flake.
its just that i resent that i havent been offered these types of experiences before in life and they have been thrown at him lefta nd right. he has managed to take them all and i have maqnaged to stay "sheltered" wishing thast i was on the other side of the glass, not just watching the kids play outside.
i dont know why this is such a big deal to me.
but i feel fucking inadiquate, impotent, and quite moronic.
well, now neurotic, but thats between u and me.
he just has no comprehention of the fack that i grew up poor with no father or brother, and started working when i was 15.
when was i going to do anything?
like please, tell me what me and my 75 year old grandma were going to do when i was a kid [not that she was 75 then but still], she raised me while my mother worked.
im just a weasle. and i feel ignorant.
th bottom line is that i cant let anything or ANYONE hold me back anymore.
i have to dedecate myself to becoming a real person, not just this shadow.
im not happy this way.
but what should i do besides write my little whiney complaints? hmmm.
one day i may have to just. grow some balls.
end with more than just words on a page.